


all out of love

by cherryjaem



Category: Stray Kids (Band)
Genre: Aged-Up Character(s), Anagapesis, Angst, Break Up, Divorce, Falling Out of Love, M/M, Reminiscing, happy ending? what's that?
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-07-12
Updated: 2018-07-29
Packaged: 2019-06-09 07:30:53
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 5,041
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15262467
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/cherryjaem/pseuds/cherryjaem
Summary: Felix decides that yeah, he does feel a little sad about that but his voice is strangely calm and collected when he says:“It’s over.”(OrIn which Felix and Changbin mutually agreed to part but before they leave and move on with their lives, they've decided to visit few places that hold significant meanings and memories to them.)





	1. anagapesis

**Author's Note:**

> ao3 user changlix finally has a changlix-centric fic? wow. i surprised myself, too.
> 
> updates will be really slow for this one (more than my usual lol).

**anagapesis** n. loss of feelings for someone who was formerly loved ; falling out of love

 

_ Los Angeles _

 

Felix doesn’t know how long he’d been contemplating on making the international call to South Korea, but by the time he finally gathered the courage to do so, it’s already three in the morning. It should be around seven in the evening right about now in Seoul, a time Felix hopes Chaerin would be around to answer his call.

 

Felix presses call and waits for it to be picked up as he bites on his nails- a bad, nervous habit of his. He’s exhausted both physically and mentally, and yet he can’t bring himself to fall asleep, not with these thoughts occupying his mind, not with these worries and fears gnawing at his being. The apartment feels empty with just him around, but Felix finds solace in the darkness of his shared bedroom with Changbin.

 

Before Felix could dive deeper into the thoughts of Changbin and where his current whereabouts are, Chaerin picks up the call, which was probably after the third ring, her greeting falls in between confused and curious. “Hey,” Felix greets back, voice deeper and raspier than usual from disuse.

 

“What’s up?” Chaerin asks from the other end of the line. “Isn’t it like, 3AM over there?”

 

Felix clears his throat, taking a deep breath in and releasing it shakily. He closes his eyes and pinches the bridge of his nose- another nervous habit of his, a gut-wrenching feeling invading his stomach, rising up to his throat and threatening to choke him. He’s been putting  _ this  _ off for quite a while and it’s obviously taking its toll on him now. A part of him doesn’t want to admit  _ this _ , to admit it out loud because that would mean the problem is real, that there  _ is  _ something wrong with his relationship with Changbin. Another part of him knows he needs help, needs someone to confide in and Chaerin is just the perfect person for this. She’s wise and always knows what to say, so Felix is hoping she could help.

 

“Felix?” Chaerin calls for him again, her voice laced with worry this time. “Where’s Changbin? Is he okay?”

 

“Changbin is fine, don’t worry,” Felix answers immediately. It wasn’t his intention to worry Chaerin in the first place. “Well, at least he was fine when he left this morning.”

 

“This morning?” Chaerin echoes. “He’s not home yet?”

 

“No. He’s working on a new project. Same old, same old.”

 

“Okay,” is what she says. “So, why are you calling me so late at night? Is everything okay?” she rephrases her question.

 

Felix plays with the silver band on his ring finger. It’s cold to the touch, but isn’t as chilly as when Felix admits “No. Me and Changbin- we’re not okay.”

  
  
  
  
  


“I can’t believe she’s actually making me do this,” Felix grumbles, thinking back to his conversation with Chaerin a few nights back. She’d been quiet when Felix told her over the phone call, only asking if he was sure about it after a while. When Felix told her that yes, he was pretty damn sure about it, she had disagree, somehow pleading as she said “Maybe you’re wrong.” Then she’d suggested for Felix to seek professional help, telling him not to give up so easily and threatening not to talk to him ever again until Felix agrees to give his relationship with Changbin a second try. 

 

The line went dead even before Felix could greet her goodbye.

Felix downs his second shot of vodka and slams the glass on the countertops. He grimaces at the burning sensation down his throat but welcomes the familiar warmth settling in his body and relaxing his nerves.

More than a bad drinker, Jisung is a bad friend. Instead of offering sympathy and useful advice, Jisung only laughs in Felix’s face and gives rough pats on Felix’s back. “She has you right in the palm of her hand.”

“Damn right she does,” Felix sighs. He has a soft spot for Chaerin, for all of the Seos, actually, because they were the ones who accepted him for who he is when his own family disowned him after coming out to them. They had helped him a lot into shaping the person he is right now, to how he got this far. Felix is two years younger than Chaerin, but still finds it too easy to get close and comfortable around her, often confiding things to her. He can’t imagine not talking to her ever again.

“Well, just do as she says. Or risk losing two Seos from your life,” Jisung says. Felix glares at his best friend, clearly not impressed with Jisung’s dry humor. God, he is so  _ awful _ . “What are you afraid of? I am no stranger to you, come on.”

“Are you just desperate for money?”

“Are you desperate for a beating?” Jisung retaliates. “Hey! My business is doing just fine, thank you very much. Don’t you know how many troubled couples there are out there? It’s thanks to people like me the divorce rate is decreasing.”

“Why do people file for divorce in the first place?” Felix asks. He has his left hand lazily propping his chin up while absentmindedly sorting out nuts and pretzels on the small plate with his other hand. He doesn’t really care about other people’s marriage stories, of course, but he  _ is  _ trying to trace back to when  _ this _ all started happening, to when he started feeling like this. Had he fallen out of love with Changbin? Maybe. Maybe, he’s just tired.

“Believe it or not, it’s for petty reasons that blow way out of proportion because they don’t talk about it. Instead, they accuse and attack each other until they’re blinded by anger and don’t see the main reason why they’re mad in the first place, anymore. See, nothing will get solved if you don’t find the problem. You’ll just accumulate the anger and disappointment until you can no longer see the good in your partner and in the relationship,” Jisung explains. “Of course there are other factors leading to divorce. But if you want to hear more,” Jisung pauses and smirks, holding his palm out at Felix. “Pay me money first.”

“Tsk,” Felix swats Jisung’s hand away. “I knew it was all about the money. Hey, you never asked for money before when I sought for advices from you.”

“Advices? Let me be real for a second here, buddy. Those were  _ not  _ advices. They were just words you wanted to hear from me. Sugar-coated lies.”

Felix is torn between feeling amused and in disbelief. “You are  _ savage _ .”

Jisung laughs without showing any remorse. “On a serious note, I do want to help. I know I can help you guys if you’d only let me,” Jisung says with a gentler voice, resting his hand on Felix’s shoulder and squeezing it as if trying to say  _ Believe in me _ .  _ Let me help you.  _ Felix lets Jisung’s hand lingers on his shoulder as he weighs on the consequences of getting marriage counselling.

 

“I just…” Felix trails off, shoulders slumped down in resignation. “I just don’t see the point, you know? The feelings I have—had, for him? They’re no longer there. I don’t feel it anymore.”

 

Jisung’s silence is serious and thoughtful. “Why don’t you tell Changbin about it then? See how he feels and thinks about it. Then you both make the decision.”

 

Felix takes this into consideration, and then: “Yeah. Maybe I’ll do just that.”

  
  
  
  
  


It’s not that Felix doesn’t care or love Changbin anymore. He does, but just not in the same way as he used to, not in the way he is supposed to. There is no excitement anymore and Felix no longer feels happy with Changbin. They’ve been together for  _ so long _ , the relationship’s seemed to have gone stale. Even though Felix is afraid to move beyond this part of his life, of what it’s going to be like without Changbin, of what will happen if he breaks away from the familiar routine, he wants to be free. Felix knows Changbin deserves someone better than him- someone who’s not lying to himself and Changbin about his feelings, someone who will love Changbin better. He doesn’t want to hurt Changbin, or anyone for that matter, so he has to do this for the sake of them both. There’s no point dragging it for much longer for it will only make it more painful.

 

It isn’t as hard as Felix thought it’d be.

 

He and Changbin had managed to find time to sit down and talk. After months of agony and denial, it’s surprisingly easy for Felix to voice out his thoughts, of what he feels about Changbin, about their relationship and marriage.

 

What’s not easy is the part where Changbin admits he had been feeling the same all this time. At first, Felix thinks he’s relieved it’s a mutual feeling between them. But later that night, when all the lights are off and they’re both settled in bed, looking at Changbin giving his back to Felix, sadness crashes over him like violent waves and then leaves behind a strong feeling of disappointment.

 

He realizes neither of them are willing to try to save the relationship anymore. It’s a hard pill to swallow but Felix doesn’t do anything about it, doesn’t wake Changbin up to talk about it again. Instead, he turns the other way around, giving his back to Changbin’s and lets the coldness settles in between them both.

  
  
  
  
  
  


“So, how did it go?” Chaerin sounds hopeful when Felix gives her a call again. Felix plays with the silver band in his hand, pulling it to his eye-level to stare at the names carved on the inner side of the ring. He smiles sadly before putting it down on the coffee table and resting his back against the couch. Just like their previous call, the apartment is empty, dark and quiet again. This time, it reminds Felix of their better days, of when the house was filled with so much love and warmth and laughter. Now, it’s devoid of those, of  _ them _ . Felix decides that yeah, he does feel a little sad about that but his voice is strangely calm and collected when he says:

 

“It’s over.”


	2. Chapter 2

_Venice_

**Day 1**

 

It is in no way a happy trip, especially knowing where it will lead him to, but it doesn’t necessarily have to be a sad and bad one. It’s meant to be a closure of some sort, a way to end things in a civil and mostly calm way so all that’s left for him to take in the end are good memories. But it’s hard to remain optimistic, to be perky and to keep the smile on his face when there are already instant factors that make Felix annoyed and his patience running thin, like the 3-hours flight delay, the long flight itself and now this hot summer weather in Venice. Really, Felix can enjoy this– _knows_ he should enjoy it, but it’s just so _hard._ He _is_ trying to keep his attitude in check though, so there’s that at least.

The water buses are taking literally _forever_ to arrive. The sun is up high in the sky, burning and making Felix sweating bullets. It doesn’t make it any easier with all the tourists hanging out in one place, waiting for transportations to transfer them to the city. God, Felix wishes he’d be in the hotel already, so he could strip off and get the cold shower he deserves.

“Reception is so low here.” Felix takes a glance at the guy beside him and remembers again that he did not come here alone. Felix watches the guy–Changbin, pressing his thumbs on the keypad of his phone, and moves his gaze up only to roll his eyes a quick second later when Changbin isn’t looking up at him as he is so occupied with what’s going on on his phone. It was _supposed_ to be a good trip, but if Changbin isn’t trying, Felix doesn’t know why he should. Changbin’s job will always be important to him, and Felix is trying not to feel bitter about it. Felix is used to it. Or so he thought.

“Our ride’s here,” Felix announces curtly (albeit, thankful) as the water buses pull over at the dock. Without waiting for Changbin, Felix pulls his luggage towards one of the buses and manages to secure himself a seat. He looks out of the window, watching the somewhat calm water of the Venetian lagoon swaying in small waves. He doesn’t know if Changbin’s got on the same bus but he could care less about it. He figures they will be meeting up at their hotel later anyway.

 

 

 

“So they accidentally swapped our reservation with another one,” is what Changbin says as he walks up to Felix after checking in at the counter. “It’s a single queen bed instead of double single beds.”

“What, how is that even possible?” Felix knits his eyebrows in displeasure. “Can’t they do something about it? Don’t they have any other rooms?”

“They don’t,” Changbin shakes his head. “So we’ll have to make do with what we have. Unless you wanna look at other hotels? I doubt we’ll be able to get any rooms, though.”

“Ughh, fine,” Felix grumbles and together they walk to the stairs leading up to the upper floors. “Are you sure you’re not the one who made a mistake in reserving the room?”

“Hey, what’s with the accusation?” Changbin smirks. “I told you _they_ are the ones who made a mistake, not me. Come on now, this way,” Changbin beckons his head at the right side of the hallway. Felix follows in silence. He doesn’t want to admit it, doesn’t want his mind to suddenly remind him of this _old_ memory playing in his head, but brains are an awful bunch. They’ll connect the fragments of memories one by one and then replay the whole thing for you, and you’re left to see every single one of it flashing in your head. “I think it’s this one,” Changbin’s voice interrupts Felix’s thoughts, stopping right in front of a door and Felix almost bumped into him.

“What?” Felix replies dumbly, eyes finally looking around them as Changbin unlocks the door. When he pushes the door open, Felix immediately takes in the view of the room, the memory in his head becoming stronger and vivid when seeing the actual thing—place– in front of his eyes. To Felix’s surprise (or horror?), it is indeed the same room they had from their honeymoon before. Changbin must be joking with him and did this—reserving this room– on purpose to fuck with Felix’s feelings, except that he doesn’t even look like he remembers this place—or cares, for that matter. Well, in that case, Felix’s feelings are fucked either way.

“Do you want to use the bathroom first?” Changbin asks, flopping down on the couch and typing away on his phone again. Felix stares at Changbin, swallows and takes a deep breath in and out.

“Yes,” he calmly says. He avoids looking at Changbin after that, pulling up his luggage on the bed and unlocking it to get his toiletries. As soon as he gets everything he needs, Felix heads to the bathroom, closes the door and leans against it.

_This is a bad idea_ , Felix thinks to himself. Why did they agree to do this in the first place anyway? They could’ve just signed the papers and went on their separate ways but of course they had to take the hard way out. Felix bumps his head against the door accidentally loud and hard but the sharp pain is not unwelcomed. It serves as a reminder to get himself together, to suck it all up and endure this trip– _their_ last trip together.

Felix strips himself off of his clothes and stands under the shower, letting the cold water washes away his worries and dread, and watching them disappear into the drain.

  
  
  
  


Felix leaves the hotel alone after finding out Changbin had fallen asleep while Felix took a long shower. He writes a note for Changbin as to not make him worried about finding himself alone in the hotel room when he wakes up later, pockets his wallet and quietly walks out of the place.

Even after taking a cold shower, the heat is still too much. 5 minutes after leaving the hotel, Felix starts to sweat again. He curses under his breath, finding it hard to move around with so many people packed in the place. He wills himself to go deeper and deeper into the city, though, opting to walk on paths where the sun is not shining directly on him and staying under the shades provided by the buildings around him.

Venice is still as crowded and as beautiful as Felix remembers it to be. He has no destination in mind for now, going to wherever his legs are taking him and drinking in the views around him. He would occasionally take pictures of anything that interests him with both his camera and his phone, typing little notes in his drafts for when he posts the pictures on his social media accounts later.

Getting lost in the maze that is Venice is fun to say the least. Not knowing what to expect or where he will end up in is thrilling, so when he comes across a very familiar ice cream parlor, he’s stuck in between feeling amused and amazed. Since he’s starting to feel warm again from all the walking, he decides to get some ice cream to cool himself off.

When Felix enters, the censor goes off and plays a lousy jingle that echoes in the empty parlor. Felix can’t help but to get drawn to the seemingly endless types of ice cream flavors available, fingers pressing on the glass. A smile makes its way onto his lips when he remembers a distant memory of him and Changbin not knowing which flavors to get, so they ended up spending _hours_ in the parlor to try _every_ single flavors they had on that day. It was a good memory, something Felix would treasure for the rest of his life.

“Why am I not surprised to see you here,” a voice and the same lousy jingle are heard breaking the silence of the place again. Felix turns to see Changbin approaching to where Felix is standing so he could look at the ice creams, too. Changbin is in his new sets of clothing now and Felix assumes he’d taken a shower as well before going out. He’s in a simple white long sleeves shirt, a black snapback and black ripped jeans coupled with a pair of Vans sneakers. It’s how Changbin would usually dress on a daily basis- in simple and comfortable outfits, but Felix doesn’t know why it suddenly makes him feel so nostalgic. It reminds him of the days when they were younger, of their study dates where they both would struggle to meet assignment deadlines and yet wasted precious time stealing kisses and giggling and playing footsies under the table. If anything, it only makes the smile on his face grows wider.

This should be a happy parting trip, right? Revisiting places and memories that once made them happy so they could remember their happy times together and part with good feelings. Felix can try that, would like to do just that. Changbin is a good person, someone he’d spent a decade of his life with, someone who knew him like the back of his hand, someone he’d shared love, laughter, tears, sadness and secrets with. He can push their differences and bitterness aside, pretend like the good old days before time changed them both and their feelings for each other.

“How did _you_ end up here?” Felix questions back. “Did you follow me or something?” he teases. Yeah, Felix thinks he can do this.

Changbin snorts. “I left the hotel with this place in mind and headed here immediately, so no, I did not follow you,” he says, peeking at the rows of ice creams on display. “Nice, they still have the matcha one.” Changbin catches Felix pressing his lips into a thin a line in distaste, and asks “What?” with a laugh.

“That is hands down the most disgusting ice cream flavor to have ever existed in the history of ice cream flavors.”

“Oh, you saying this when your favorite is literally toothpaste flavored ice cream?”

“How dare you, Seo,” Felix laughs airily, hand grabbing Changbin’s collar in a playful way. “It’s mint chocolate chip and it _does not_ taste like toothpaste.”

“Says you,” Changbin retorts, absently uncurling Felix hand on his collar. Felix may have imagined it but he feels Changbin squeezing Felix’s hand with his before letting go. “To me, there really is no difference. So, you’re gonna get the mint chocolate chip?”

“What, you’re buying for me or something?’

Changbin looks back at Felix with eyebrows raised in amusement and a “Yeah.”, which is a code for _duh, obviously_. That has Felix grinning and checking out the flavors again. 

“Well, if you’re buying then I’m going to get as much flavors as I can.” 

“Not disappointed and not surprised.”

  
  
  
  


“It’s going to taste gross when all of them melt together into one,” Changbin comments as they take a seat outside, looking at five scoops of different ice cream flavors in the bowl. Felix had gotten the mint chocolate chip together with raspberry vanilla, strawberry cheesecake, cookie dough and plain chocolate flavor, while Changbin had chosen only the matcha flavored one in a cone.

“Shush, it’s going to taste just fine,” Felix dismisses easily. He takes out his phone to snap a picture of the colorful ice creams. “Probably going to taste like rainbow or something. In conclusion, it’s going to taste better than that...that... _thing_ ,” Felix narrows his eyes and points his spoon at Changbin’s matcha ice cream.

"Hey, leave my ice cream out of this. What have my baby ever done to you?” Changbin says in mock offense and Felix bursts out laughing at the look on his face. 

“Besides, they’re not going to melt if I finish them quickly,” Felix makes a point, easily ignoring what Changbin said and tapping his finger on his temple- motioning a thinking act.

“You’re going to get brain freeze _and_ a loud laugh from me.”

“ _Disappointed_ but not surprised,” Felix shrugs and starts eating the ice creams. “You’re always a meanie,” he adds offhandedly. 

“I guess I am,” Changbin agrees with a chuckle. Felix feels Changbin tucking the strands of Felix’s brown hair to the back of his ear and freezes for three solid seconds from the action before recovering. He doesn’t dare to look up at Changbin and focuses on eating the ice creams instead.

“You know,” Changbin starts. When Felix finally lifts his head up, he sees Changbin looking at the gondola passing by the canal besides them, body leaned back on the chair and mouth biting on his cone of ice cream. Felix doesn’t say anything and waits for Changbin to continue. “I know things will be different after this and I don’t know how the future is going to be like for the both of us, but–,” Changbin pauses, looking as if he’s searching for the right words to say. “I just–. I _know_ this whole thing is probably my fault and it’s probably selfish of me to ask this but even if we part ways in the end, I just hope we can still be friends. You were– _are_ my best friend, and I will always care and love you.”

Felix thinks it over and decides he can understand where Changbin is coming from. He _thinks_ he’d want to stay friends with Changbin, thinks that a part of him will always care and love and treasure Changbin (especially the past Changbin...), and even if they can’t be like what they used to be, Felix doesn’t want them to turn into complete strangers either. He scoops the ice cream into his mouth as he regards Changbin with careful eyes. “Whatever happens,” he swallows. Changbin looks back at him. “No hard feelings, yeah?”

The corners of Changbin’s mouth are pulled up into a small smile. “No hard feelings,” he echoes and then beckons his head at another gondola passing by. “You wanna get on one of those?”

“Dude, that shit is fucking expensive. Have you forgotten?”

“Totally worth it though,” Changbin shrugs. “Besides, I am pretty positive we got cheated back then. We’ll be more careful this time and pick a better package from a more trustworthy dealer.”

“Hmm I don’t know,” Felix gives a nonchalant shrug. “I mean, stuck on the same small boat with you for 30 minutes? What a nightmare.” He grins teasingly and gains himself a snort from Changbin.

“You’ve been stuck with me for a decade now. What’s another 30 minutes, right?”

“Hey, no guilt-tripping in this trip.”

“I wasn’t guilt-tripping you,” Changbin says, a shit-eating grin on his face because now they both know Felix is going to hop on the gondola with Changbin, like it or not. “I’m paying, you don’t even have to spend a single dollar.”

“You know what,” Felix straightens up and raises his eyebrows, pointing his spoon at Changbin. “Now you’re talking.”

Changbin bursts into laughter, the sound a pleasant warm ring tugging at Felix’s heartstrings. It has been a while since Felix had heard it, how genuine it sounds and so allows himself to revel at the fact that he can still make Changbin laugh like this. Felix remembers the time Changbin made _him_ laughed with his witty remarks and sometimes lame jokes, and maybe, just maybe Changbin remembers the times Felix had made him happy, too. _Take those with you_ , Felix thinks to himself. He knows he should have said it out loud to Changbin but he didn’t want to. He won’t tell Changbin what to do anymore. Changbin can decide what he should do by himself, just as Felix can decide what he should do, _want_ to do.

So he smiles and offers a quiet “Okay, let’s go.”

  
  
  
  


The day is too hot, but a tour around the city in a gondola is admittedly rather calming and a healing ride. An umbrella and portable fan were provided for them so Felix doesn’t mind the sun too much. Changbin offers his hand to Felix to help him get on the boat, and doesn’t let go after that. Felix doesn’t know exactly why he doesn’t pull his hand away from Changbin’s, but maybe it’s the familiarity-  how his fingers still fit in the spaces between Changbin’s perfectly, maybe it’s the fact that both of them know the high possibility of not being able to do this anymore in the near future, therefore doing it as much as they still can for now.

Or maybe it is just something they are used to, an unconscious gesture learned and adjusted to be a part of their habits with each other  Maybe it’s nothing. Maybe it doesn’t even mean anything to Changbin.

And yet, even when their palms start to get sweaty, neither of them brings it up nor pull their hand away from each other’s.

  
  
  
  


The exhaustion from the long flight from Los Angeles to Venice crashes on them again early that evening, and coupled with their walk around the city for the whole day had only resulted to their energy being drained to almost zero. They both agreed to get room service for dinner because they are too tired to look for a dining place, and even though they could dine in at the restaurant at the hotel lobby, having a meal in their room sounds more comfortable and appealing to them. When you’ve been around too many people too much for the day, you just need some time away from the crowd and noises to recharge yourself. This is something they both can relate with with each other, a similarity Felix is always grateful of sharing with Changbin. They don’t always need to explain themselves to each other. They just simply understand. Felix knows it’s something that Changbin appreciates as well. 

Dinner is filled with a comfortable silence and the clinking of utensils on the plates. A complementary white wine is provided to them by the hotel, and really, both Felix and Changbin have no reason to not accept it. After all, it’s not always that you get expensive wine for free. Even though Felix prefers red wine over the white ones, he appreciates the gesture the same.

Felix is only drinking a little, though, and notices Changbin is as well. He doesn’t know what Changbin is thinking about, but on Felix’s part, he’s just trying to be careful not to drink too much and get tipsy from it, afraid of crossing boundaries in his less-than-sober state. His brain to mouth filter easily malfunctions even when he’s a tiny bit tipsy, so Felix doesn’t want to accidentally say things that will hurt Changbin.

Felix finishes his meal first so he decides to get a shower. It’s shorter compared to the shower he had that afternoon because Felix already feels so exhausted. He wants to get it over and done with quickly so he can crash on the bed and get his well-deserved rest after a very long day. 

The mattress is soft and comfortable when Felix lies down on it, the fresh flowery smell of the fabric softener makes him sigh in contentment. Felix feels so relaxed, feels like his body is melting into one with the bed.

“You’re so silly,” he hears Changbin laughs and realizes he must have said that thought aloud. Felix laughs, too, and then closes his eyes, a lazy smile on his face as sleep slowly claims him.

“I’m going to sleep first,” Felix murmurs into the pillow. “Good night,” he says, the sleep taking over completely and missing the quiet “good night” from Changbin and the soft press of Changbin’s lips on the top of Felix’s head.


End file.
